


And I've never seen you smiling so big

by souvenirsfromapastlife



Series: Accountability (no Heist AU) [1]
Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Coming of Age, Finn and Sean are both oblivious Jesus Christ, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sean especially, finn gets the character development he deserved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25514275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/souvenirsfromapastlife/pseuds/souvenirsfromapastlife
Summary: A moment by the campfire changes everything. Now, by night, Sean and Finn discover a new side to their relationship. Alone, in those intimate moments, they might just learn enough about themselves to avoid a dangerous fate.AU where the events that reveal Daniel's powers to the group never happen and Finn focuses on Sean, instead. Title from "Moon Song" by Phoebe Bridgers.
Relationships: Sean Diaz & Finn, Sean Diaz/Finn
Series: Accountability (no Heist AU) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857640
Comments: 4
Kudos: 94





	1. Selfless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by _Selfless_ , by the Strokes.

_Shit. Shit._

Sean didn’t know whether the question came from the hefty second-hand smoke in the air or the burning curiosity in the back of his mind. All he knew is that the second he asked, he wanted to take it back. _Who even asks a question like that?_

Finn’s eyes sparkled, tone nonchalant. “I see people, not gender. It’s all good - long as I get some.” Despite the intensity of the question, Finn only seemed bemused, scanning him for a reaction. Sean took a measured breath and nodded. Given his current state of mind, he didn’t trust himself to say anything else.

“Looks like Sean is a little curious,” chimed Cassidy. “So… what about you?”

“I never really thought about it.” He honestly hadn’t. But something about tonight made him feel like a lot of things were possible. "I… find some boys cute, I guess. But I haven’t actually thought about it.”

“Ooo,” Finn said, clapping him on the back. “What’s your type?”

Lucky for him, Cassidy interrupted before Sean could dig himself deeper. The conversation fell into the back of his mind as his head spun. He had admitted something to the group that he had yet to admit to himself. Sean liked guys. He was… bisexual. Bicurious? Not straight. The words felt unwieldy in his head, but also liberating - like he had leveled up or something. He glanced over at Finn, who paused his rant at Cassidy to give him a shit-eating grin.

Sean grinned right back.

\---

Sean laid back in his tent, allowing himself a small groan. It had been a rare training day for Daniel, but the one-on-one time served only to give the kid a chance to lay into him about everything he was doing wrong as a brother. It sucked to have to give the same explanations about saving money, and being careful, and _Puerto Lobos_ , but he needed to understand. Sean was keeping him safe. Keeping his best interests in mind - protecting him. He wished he could show Daniel - anyone - how tired he was. He missed Lyla.

A head popped through the zipper of his tent.

“I knew I should have closed that.” Sean mustered a smile. Finn had a way of bringing that out of him.

“And keep me out, sweetheart? That’d be cold-blooded. Sick and twisted.” Finn put a hand on his heart and fell back with a dramatic moan into the spot next to Sean.

“Mind if I sit here?”

Sean couldn’t say no, and not only because he’d already laid down. Finn’s warmth enveloped the tent as they stared up at the canvas ceiling together.

“Sure. Just warning you, though, it’s been a rough day.”

“Yeah? Let it all out to Dr. Finn,” he said, rubbing Sean’s shoulder. “This session of therapy is now in... session.”

Sean let out a laugh and tried to refocus his mind to the day’s earlier events: before he was alone in a tent with Finn, before his hand was on his shoulder.

“It’s Daniel. Obviously. I love him so much, but it’s like... he doesn’t get it. Why I do the shit I do.”

“You do a lot for him. Work a shitty fuckin’ job when you’re only 16. Stay someplace like this.” There was a bitter note in Finn’s voice, but Sean had the odd feeling it wasn’t directed at him.

“It makes him so angry. It hurts him, not understanding. I hate it. But… it’s like - he didn’t _see it_. The way I saw it. He never…”

Sean forced himself upright, unable to bear the tremble of his voice any longer. He turned away from the boy lying next to him, trying to get his thoughts out of Seattle.

The tent groaned as Finn sat up behind him. “You don’t hafta do it alone, y’know.” He had the nerve-wracking feeling that Finn was looking at him.

“No! I-I didn’t mean that at all. You know I’m grateful for letting us stay with you guys, for getting us a job, the sl-”

A hand on his shoulder - firmer this time, as if keeping him on the ground - made Sean turn around. Finn had a look in his eyes that he hadn’t seen before. It was sharp, fierce. Like he was the true wolf and Sean was just a puppy. He fought the urge to look away.

“That’s not what I’m talkin’ about. This. You. I want us to be more to ya than a place to stay.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me show you.”

Sean’s heart sped up, but Finn simply climbed out of the tent and stretched out his hand. Sean took it, and emerged into the sunlight.

\---

The train was heading to Eureka, a city Sean had never heard of. With the rush of wind as they hurtled past the dense forest, Finn sitting next to him, and his imagination running wild with what the city might look like, Sean felt like he was on an adventure again. Not a frenzied escape, not a lie constructed to comfort his sibling, but a real adventure.

Finn was a bundle of energy. Of course, he always had an easy smile on his face, got worked up about things Sean overlooked. But something about the train and being away from their responsibilities - from Big Joe - made him bloom like a flower. He pointed out animals he saw between the trees, told Sean which clouds looked like him (more than a couple). He sang - “aaaaalwaaays I wanna _be_ with you, and make be-LIEVE with you and live in harmony, harmony always -”

Sean supposed that Cassidy’s musical talents were not shared by the rest of the trimmigrants. Still, he couldn't look away. He wanted to draw this moment - the way the trees towered over them, the contrast of the train tracks against the greenery. He wanted to draw Finn, too. But the train was moving too fast for him to capture anything, and somehow he felt like Finn was impossible to capture either.

The subject of his thoughts sat down next to him and squeezed his knee. “Ready for our secret mission, partner?” He was positively glowing - Sean hadn’t seen him this excited, ever.

“What exactly do you have in mind, _partner_?”

“You’ll see when we get there. Just get ready to breathe that big city air - like you’re used to.” Finn nudged his side.

Like he was used to. In an instant, it was like his lungs went on strike. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get air. The words buried themselves into him - like before. Like Seattle. Like his dad being killed in front of him. People in the city, looking to turn him into the cops with guns and he knows how that ends -

“Hey - hey. Diaz.” Finn’s eyes were wide. “What is it? Did I hit ya too hard or somethin’?”

Sean forced his legs to move, to support his weight. He tried to focus on the wind on his face or on the green of the countryside, anything to avoid the storm in his head or the way he had ruined Finn’s mood. Maybe Sean wasn’t cut out for adventures, for anything except running.

“Finn - are you sure about this? In-in the city I’ll be in danger, I’ll be putting you In danger...”

Behind that steady exterior, Finn’s face betrayed something Sean couldn’t quite pin down in his state. Confusion, mixed with something strange. He didn’t say anything, and suddenly Sean just felt embarrassed.

He blushed. “Shit. That’s twice today I’ve fallen apart on you.” Shame heated his entire body. Something about this boy made him feel like spilling his guts, like letting go of all the shit he was carrying. That was dangerous.

In response Finn simply tugged Sean down into his seat and wrapped an arm around him, gripping him tightly. _That grip_. It held Sean down, made all of the heavy thoughts melt away and instead he was present. In his body, living. He let out a deep breath.

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart. I ain’t lettin’ anything happen to ya. That’s a promise.” His blue eyes were innocent, comforting - trusting, as if Sean were the one asking something of him instead of the other way around. The look almost reminded him of his dad.

Sean stood up again, letting Finn’s hands drop to the floor. “Thanks dude. I’m good. Really.” He wasn’t a good liar, but after a short frown, Finn seemed to drop it.

“Ah, we’ll be arrivin’ shortly. Did I ever tell ya about my short career as a train conductor?” Sean facepalmed internally. How could he keep getting so intense around a dude who took everything as a joke?

“No way.”

“Way. How do ya think I got so talented at hopping trains? I’d greet each _guest_ with a bow, like so - “ He bowed to Sean with a bit of flair. “And say: ‘hello _muh-syaw_!’”

Sean could only shake his head and smile.

\---

Despite the panic on the train, downtown Eureka was actually refreshing after weeks in the woods. Sean’s eyes were almost strained by the constant movement, workers rushing from their cubicles back to their wives. It was twilight now - they’d have to walk back in the dark, Sean realized - and the golden sunset reflected off office buildings. Finn strolled beside him, features softened by the sunlight. Sean wished he could freeze time.

But he couldn’t. _Everything comes to an end_. He tried to shrug off the wonder and turned to his partner. “So, secret agent. It’s about time I get my… mission briefing.” Finn’s chuckle in response made him feel warm.

“Damn right, laddie. Now, I was thinkin’ - you’re savin’ up for Puerto Lobos. Making it to the border’s gon be a challenge, and after you get there you’ll need some… how do ya say… skills. Right?”

 _Fuck._ “You’re right. I’m not really good at that… much.” Leave it to Sean to forget the details. It felt humiliating to know that his plan - the thing that had kept him going across hundreds of miles - fell apart so easily under someone else’s eyes. “I mean, I’m not gonna survive on art and fucking running.”

“Hey, hey - that’s not true. Don’t be so down on yourself, Sean. You know I think you’re pretty great. I was just thinkin’, if you insist on breakin’ my heart by leaving us… you could at least have a reliable way to get cash for you and Daniel.”

Sean had a feeling about where he was going with this. “How?”

Finn brandished a nondescript black wallet. “Ta-da! Please, please, hold your praise until I’m back in your tent.” He winked.

“How the fuck did you do that?” Sean’s efforts to act cool dropped, eyes wide. “ _When_ did you do that?”

Finn passed it to him, basking in his shock. “Count it up and throw the rest of it away. The cards only create a trail. How much we got?”

“Fuck, Finn - just short of forty bucks. You - you can teach me to do this?”

“I can teach you anythin’ you want, sweetheart. Just like my older brothers did for me.”

A small part of Sean worried about the risks, about what his dad would say. A much larger part of him was in awe of Finn, eager to spend more time with him, anxious to prove he could take care of Daniel on his own. “Let’s get started.”

Finn looked like he’d been handed a million dollars.

\---

The next few weeks flew by. Sean would spend his days watching Daniel, trimming buds, but when they had the time, he and Finn took to the streets - mostly Eureka, some smaller towns here and there. He _did_ feel like a secret agent, leading a double life.

When it came to pickpocketing, Finn followed the “trial by fire” method of teaching. Sean’s first time, his hands shook so much that his mark, a douche screaming on the phone at some poor employee, almost turned on him. But in the nick of time, Finn was there, distracting the dude by asking for the time. Sean made away with almost a hundred dollars.

After that, the boys fell into a rhythm. Sean with his hoodie pulled up (he was still a fugitive, after all) avoided notice on the streets while Finn did what he did best - attract attention. He thought it was genius - no one would notice him when someone like _Finn_ was right there. And it worked - on a good night, Sean made almost as much as he had during the day trimming. Finn let him have most of it, despite Sean’s insistence.

“Come on, Finn. I wouldn’t be able to do this at all without your help. You’re putting yourself at risk here too, dude - I can’t take this much.”

Finn simply shook his head sagely. “You need it more. Plus, a good deed is its own reward. Haven’t you read Confucius, sweetheart?”

He hadn’t, but was pretty sure that was bullshit.

Sean couldn’t deny, however, that his evening adventures came with non-financial perks. Each night he looked forward to the train home. No people to take care of, or responsibilities to address, just him and Finn and the chilling night air. They sat side-by-side to keep warm and tell stories. Sean, about the experiences he’d had on the road. Finn, about the people he’d encountered, strangers he couldn’t forget.

It also just so happened that they’d occasionally lay their heads on the other’s shoulder and enjoy the other’s body heat, doze off to the rumble of the train. They never discussed it, but by unspoken agreement they knew those moments were safe. Precious. Sean supposed Finn was just really good at being vulnerable and intimate with other people. That was Sean’s favorite part of the day, just before he came home to a whiny little brother.

“Where have you been, Sean? It’s no fair you get to play with Finn.” Sean felt heat rush to his face - “you left me with Cassidy all day. She’s cool, but she doesn’t let me throw knives like Finn does. Jacob helped me write a letter to Chris, though. It was cool, you should see my drawing of Power Bear. Where did you and Finn go?”

He loved his little brother. He did - the last few months were evidence of that. But sometimes it felt impossible to give another explanation of why they couldn’t go home, to stop Daniel from racing to Arizona to see his mother, to explain why they needed to stay where they were. It made it hard for him to look at his brother, sometimes. Sean felt like he was carrying a massive weight, and if he slouched for a second - let his guard down, slipped up for a moment - his back wouldn’t be able to bear it anymore and he would be crushed.

In those moments, he’d take a breath, push the feeling away, and think about his next outing with Finn. And he was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ends Chapter 1! The second I finished Life is Strange 2, these characters and their relationship really gripped me, and it felt like I had to see both Sean and Finn's character arcs play out the way they made sense to me, without the explosive event of the heist to halt their development. Hopefully I've laid enough seeds that you can see where Sean's development is going to go, but Finn's is a lot more subtle :)  
> 


	2. Townie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by _Townie_ , by Mitski.

For the first time in months, things in Sean's life were becoming familiar, though certain aspects remained absolutely exhilarating. He and Finn were becoming “attached at the hip,” according to Ingrid. It came with some guilt, noticing Finn was spending a little less time with the rest of the group, especially Hannah. A selfish voice inside him drowned those anxieties out, and on the inside, he kind of enjoyed the teasing they got about it.

Like Cass’ pestering by the campfire: “where were Romeo and Juliet tonight?” 

“Am I Romeo or Juliet in this scenario?” Finn took it in stride, because of course he did. “Can I be Juliet, spelled with two u’s? Like Juul?”

“Oh my God,” Penny’d groan. “How do you bear spending so much time with this guy, Sean?”

Sean laughed. “I’m an expert at taking care of children - haven’t you heard?” He relished the cry of protest he heard in return.

He lived for these moments, but the fact that Finn was avoiding the question still lingered in the back of his mind. Was he ashamed? Sean wouldn’t blame him - he definitely didn’t want Daniel finding out about their pickpocketing. He already had the poor kid committing felonies during the day trimming buds. Plus, with the way Daniel’s powers were progressing, it was more than likely he’d be far too good at theft for Sean to be remotely comfortable. Daniel would do anything Finn asked him to, and that shook him more than he could admit.

He tried to imagine Cassidy coming along with them. The very thought made him defensive. Sure, he’d enjoy talking to her on the train ride, but the combination of her and Finn would be way too much for their subtle operation. He felt a burst of territorial anger despite himself. Those nights with Finn were his - and he didn’t have much. No, he decided. Much better to keep the details vague. Finn must have thought the same, right? He wasn’t the type to lie to the group for no reason.

\---

The afternoon sun retreated behind fluffy clouds as the partners in crime rode the train. Their target was some small town they hadn’t been to before - Sean couldn’t help but appreciate that they really _were_ playing this safe, despite what it may have seemed. He trusted Finn.

Tonight, they had left slightly early - things were going slow at work, and Daniel’s impatience led to a few nasty cuts on his fingers. The third time, he had flung the scissors and cussed. That was more than enough to rouse Big Joe. He had rumbled and bitched and demanded Sean control his brother, but before he could respond, Finn had stepped in. Instead of chiding him or yelling (as Sean probably would have), Finn simply showed Daniel his own scars, letting the young boy marvel at them and calming him down.

Sean had marvelled too - Finn was so _good_ at that. At taking care of others. Honestly, he didn’t blame Daniel for wishing Finn was his older brother. He wished he was Finn sometimes, too. It’s not that Sean justified his anger towards Daniel or didn’t see the way it had been driving them apart - he was just… tired. He missed his dad, the way that he took care of him, even as he asked Sean to take care of Daniel in turn. Things were so much easier back then.

Noticing the dark tack of his thoughts, he had simply asked Finn: “Tonight?” And here they were. The stress of the day stood no chance against his partner - a few minutes of banter, and Finn playing with his hair (despite the grease), and Sean felt on top of the world. Finn asked him how he drew, and they spent the train ride talking about how he saw the lines with his mind’s eye and transcribed them to the page. The conversation made the minutes fly by, and before they knew it, they had arrived.

As they hopped off the train together, he noticed a faraway look in Finn’s eye. He had gotten to know the boy much better over the past two months, and before he knew him, he might’ve been alarmed that Finn wasn’t paying attention to the risky jump. But they were closer than that, and Sean had the ominous feeling that Finn was keeping secrets from him.

“Land ho,” Finn said, and Sean snapped back into focus. Go time. Finn gestured upwards, towards the clouds that had just obscured the sun. “The shade will help ya hide in plain sight, laddie. Ready?”

Sean smiled. “Yeah, dude. Let’s go.” 

Their first mark of the day stood no chance - a blond, tanned suburban mom with her purse ajar as she texted. Finn didn’t even need to distract her for Sean to slip by like a shadow, grab an obvious wallet, and fade back into the passerby. Finn followed him into a secluded alley, where he slapped him on the back. He tossed the wallet while Sean counted the cash. When he looked up from his task, he saw Finn regarding him intensely.

Something about the gaze made him stutter. “I-it’s 32 dollars.” He paused. “Are… are you good?” 

“That’s a lot! Good going.” Finn looked away, filling Sean with even more dread than before. “I been thinkin’, sw-Sean. And I think this should be our last time doin’ this.”

Sean struggled to keep his usual steady demeanor - he felt like his very foundations were shaken. His insides churned as different instincts clashed on what to do. “Y-you do?” Shame won out.

He had done this. This was his fault. He had asked for too much - the way he leaned into Finn in the dark, separated him from his friends, expected him to give up all his time for someone like him. He desperately wished Finn would look at him again.

He didn’t. “Yeah. It’s about time you and Daniel get moving again, right? And we’ve made good cash here. Should be enough to get you over that border. Worse comes ta worst, you just pick this up somewhere new. You don’t need me anymore, right?” Finn smiled nonchalantly, but still didn’t meet his eyes.

It lit Sean up with rage. “So that’s it then? You’re just fucking leaving -” Sean caught himself - “you expect us to just leave and move on then?”

Finally - finally - Finn looked at him again, with eyes he didn’t recognize at all. His voice was quiet. “That was always the plan, wasn’ it? I’m sorry you got held up here so long. You can take care of you and your brother jus’ fine. I-I’m proud of you.”

Thoughts flew, a hurricane. Finn really thought he could take care of himself - as if that was going remotely well. As if Sean _wanted_ to take care of himself, like that was the goal all along. Wasn’t it? Fucking hell. Fuck this. No.

Sean opened his mouth - whether it was to scream, to cry, to cut deep, he didn’t know. But he was silent as he realized two men were approaching them a couple yards away.

The shorter one - in his early thirties, with balding blonde hair - nudged the other one, who was tall and dark, with a crooked nose and a vicious overbite. “This look like him, Luca?” The storm of emotions Sean had felt coalesced into a single adrenaline rush.

‘Luca’ nodded with a scoff. “Sure looks like him. What’s up, trailer trash?” Sean realized with a start that they barely saw him - their focus was on Finn.

“Err… Hello, gentlemen,” Finn said with obnoxious charm, even as he backed away. "What can I do ya for? You’ve caught my friend and I in the middle of a conversation.”

“About being a dirty fucking thief? Sounds about right,” the blonde one spat. “Unluckily for you, your face is on a dozen websites round here. You think you can appear wherever people get robbed and expect to get away with it? Get real.”

“Look at him, dude. Criminals like him don’t think. They just see hard-working folks and figure taking advantage of them is easier than getting an actual fucking job. Ain’t that right, piece of shit? Be honest.”

Sean felt a rush of indignance. Yes, they were thieves - nothing to deny there. But they did not steal from the fucking working class. Their targets were squarely in the realm of the privileged, the greedy - those who could afford the loss. No one was going hungry because of them, he thought resolutely. But Finn just shrugged.

“You caught me. But this kind fella here has nothin’ to do with it. So why don’t you let him be on his way and we can work this out just the three of us?”

Finn was trying to save him, Sean realized with a start. No, no - that wasn’t how this worked. They were a team. They took care of each other. They were _supposed_ to take care of each other. None of this selfless crap - these dudes could kill him. Even the thought of leaving Finn was incomprehensible. He tried to imagine the train home without him, and just… couldn’t. His thoughts vanished behind a sense of urgent purpose. He stepped in front of Finn, ignoring his small cry of protest.

“Actually, I’m the guy you’re looking for. This dude is just the distraction.” He waved the money he had just stolen, relished the way the men’s faces hardened. Sean knew this type. White assholes who thought they knew better because they were raised with a sense of entitlement. To women, money, space - guys who saw the world as their playground and never learned a shred of empathy for anyone outside their bubble. These men were his bullies in middle school, the people on his Facebook calling him a murderer, they were Brett and the cop that murdered his father.

"Shoulda guessed it'd be the beaner."

Sean saw red.

“Well then -” the blonde’s response was halted by a punch from Sean. In the back of his mind, he heard Finn rush forward, but he paid it no mind. He was a ball of fury. Fury at those who could call _Finn_ of all people trash. Rage at those who think they know everything about criminals, never taking the time to see them as people. Anger at the world, for taking, taking, giving just to take even more and laughing at him when Sean was left broken. He didn’t care when they started hitting him back - he was used to pain by now. He just continued, the way he had been for months. His childhood, his mom, his dad, Finn - every punch he threw, he imagined the universe on the receiving end, finally getting what it deserved, what it had given to him.

He didn’t stop until red faded to black and everything fell away.

\---

Dizzy. Nauseous. Head, jerked painfully. No - everything was painful. His face felt dirty and swollen. He was vaguely aware that he was totally fucked. He should be panicked, fighting, but the exhaustion was too much. It was all too much.

Then - he wasn’t dreaming it - a familiar scent. Touch that comforted him instead of making him recoil. He couldn’t open his eyes, but the voice he heard was familiar. Even after everything that happened, he decided to trust it.

Sean slipped back into darkness.

\---

_Fucking hell._ Sean awoke to a chorus of hurt throughout his upper body. His torso was spotted with bruises, and the pain went deep - places he was kicked, he guessed. His face was much worse. Upon examination, it seemed he was punched a _lot_ \- parts of his face were swollen, and under bandages he felt the pain of cuts. He was also distinctly aware of his left eye being swollen shut, which disoriented him as he sat up.

Daniel stirred next to him, letting out a cry. “Sean! You’re up!”

The words struck him with surprise - Daniel had sounded like a jaded teenager for the past few months. Shit. He had _really_ scared his brother.

“Come here, _enano."_ Sean wrapped his brother in a bear hug. “I’m so sorry if I worried you, Daniel. I’m here, okay? I’m fine.”

Daniel let out a sniffle. “Finn told us everything - how you guys were in the city, and some guys came after him, and you beat them up saving him! Finn’s okay, he took care of you after the assholes ran off. He rented a car, Sean! It’s really cool, it’s a small one and this morning Finn let me sit in it and pick the radio station.”

Sean frowned, trying to put numbers together. “How long was I out?”

The excitement on Daniel’s face faded a bit. “Umm.. you and Finn got back pretty late last night. It’s 8-ish now, so.... 20 hours?”

“I was supposed to work today,” Sean said, more statement than question. 

“Yeah… Merrill didn’t really like that you were out. Finn tried to explain things, but he didn’t really listen. I think he thought you were out because you got drunk or something. You… he told Finn to tell you not to come back.” Daniel seemed conflicted, like he hadn’t made up his mind on the matter. “I’m sorry.”

A lot of emotions were dancing around Sean’s head, but he didn’t quite know how to feel. He was fired. Finn… saved him. Or, according to Daniel, _he_ saved Finn. And Daniel hadn’t mentioned the pickpocketing - had Finn kept it a secret why they had been in the town? That raised more questions than Sean could answer in the dark, with a killer headache and his little brother.

“I need to find Finn. Can you…” He hesitated. He forced the words out, despite a surge of shame. “Would you help me, Daniel?” 

Daniel looked him square in the eye. “It’s my turn to take care of you, Sean.” Although he cringed at relying on him, Sean really did love his little brother.

After some massive gulps of water and some painkillers - “Finn left them!” - Sean set out to find the answer to his questions.


	3. Moon Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by _Moon Song_ , by Phoebe Bridgers.

Daniel held Sean’s hand and patiently navigated him to Finn’s tent. The handholding combined with the forest setting gave him nostalgia for those first nights on the run, when Daniel was still innocent. Sean still felt guilty for lying, but he had loved his brother too much to rob him of the bliss of the “camping trip”. A dark thought occurred to him, that maybe Humboldt County was _his_ camping trip, and whatever he was going to say to Finn was going to end it. 

Ever since his dad died, Sean’s reaction to intrusive thoughts was to admonish himself and shove them aside. But tonight, something felt different. He didn’t know whether it was because he was too weak, or stronger than before, but this time he chose to let the thought and all of its darkness sit there without attacking it. He held on tight to Daniel’s hand and kept walking, the negativity washing over him, left behind.

After an unusually silent and lengthy walk (Sean realized he probably shouldn’t have been walking yet, but fuck it, some things were more important), the boys stopped a few yards short of the tent. He felt breathless, like he was about to face a boss battle, but Sean steeled his nerves and turned to Daniel.

“Thanks for your help, _enano_. You really saved me.” He felt some pride in the way Daniel glowed at that. Maybe he could be that awesome big brother again, someday.

“Of course! Are we going inside now? I miss Finn.” It had only been a day since they had talked, but Sean couldn’t blame him; he felt the same way.

“I understand. I do. I’m not trying to leave you out, but last time Finn and me spoke… we said some hurtful things to each other. I think Finn might be in a hard place right now, and it would be tough for him to be around a lot of people right now. _Entiendes?_ ” He held his breath a moment. He had been a shitty brother lately, and he wouldn’t blame Daniel if this hurt him. 

The boy did furrow his brow, as if he were deciding if he were angry or not. “I get it. I’ve had my own moments where I needed to be alone. Or… at least alone with someone.” Daniel squeezed his hand.

“Thank you,” Sean said. His brother was maturing so fast. It was bittersweet. “Now, are you good to go to sleep alone?”

“Obviously!” Daniel stuck out his tongue. “Though… could I go hang out with Cassidy first? We’ve been hanging out a lot. She was with me when you were… you know.” Sean didn’t know whether that meant today, or his nights out with Finn.

“Of course you can. Tell her hey from me, and that her and I are gonna hang out as soon as I’m finished here.” He ruffled his hair. Daniel swatted him away and ran off. Sean turned his attention to the tent in front of him.

\---

As he approached, the issue of what to say presented itself. He didn’t know how he felt, at all. He felt… confused. And sad. And like he didn’t know Finn as much as he should. Or as much as he wanted to. But when he finally reached the tent - reached Finn - his instincts took over.

Sean unzipped the tent without asking, eliciting a cry of surprise from the boy inside. Finn looked up, and before he could put down his book, Sean was crashing into him with a hug that knocked him onto his back. Sean held on fiercely and realized with a start that he had tears in his eyes.

“Oh, sweetie.” Finn didn’t sound disappointed, angry, just full of compassion, like Sean was a little kid who had just scraped his knee. It made Sean clutch him even tighter.

“Lemme get a look at ya,” Finn asked, and Sean complied, though he refused to stop straddling him and holding onto his arms. The guilt in Finn’s eyes broke his heart.

“Are you okay, Finn?”

“Am… Am _I_ okay? After what you went through on my account?” Finn let out a scoff, an unnatural sound. “Sean Diaz, you are one hell of a fucking guy.”

“Dude. You were the one that saved _me!_ After I went… apeshit. And because of me you were left in the middle of some random town with an unconscious 16 year old.” Finn looked away. “Hey. I’m so sorry I left you in that position. I was so angry because of what they said to you, and because of what you said to me. I fucked up and you saved me.”

Finn was silent. Sean’s panicked brain told him to keep going, so he did. “It seems like you’re always doing that. Saving me.”

The bitterness that had been lurking beneath Finn’s surface jumped out. “Fuckin’ saving you? By givin’ you no choice but to work for a bunch a thugs? By making your little brother a criminal before he’s even 10? That’s not saving, Sean.” Finn’s voice was angry, but Sean realized it wasn’t at him - it was at _himself_. 

“You never left me without a choice. I could leave anytime I wanted. But I don’t. Every day I wake up and choose this - choose you.” A note of something Sean had long tried to hide made its way to the surface, and like before, he let it wash over him. “And that’s not the only way you save me. Around you, I feel like life is something I can enjoy instead of… I don’t know, something that just fucking sucks. You make me feel like a teenager instead of an adult. You change my life just by spending time with me.”

Sean’s tears were coming in full force, but he didn’t care. He had to make Finn _see_. “I haven’t felt like that since my dad died, dude. I owe you so much.”

Finn seemed to go limp under his grasp. Sean let go of him and shuffled back, letting him organize his thoughts.

“Sean, you… you don’t get it. Who I am. What I do.” He took a deep breath. “You don’ think I see the way you and Daniel look at me? Y’all look at me the same way I looked at my dad.”

Finn’s dad. He didn’t bring him up much, but he knew Finn’s dad had raised him to be a criminal and was the reason he had gotten locked up. Sean didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t you get it? Those guys, in the alley - they were right. They got me. I _am_ a thief.” He let out another bitter laugh. “Gutter trash. They had me spot on. Sean, I knew what we were doin’ was dangerous. And wrong. But the entire time, I was lyin’ to myself. And to you. Tellin’ you it was all okay, that it was necessary. I manipulated you. Deep down I knew we were gonna get caught, ‘ventually. It was obvious. But I never thought someone would take the fall for me. Never thought I could hurt you as much as I did. I was fuckin’ stupid.” Finn’s eyes stared him down, cold. “Don’t you fuckin’ get it? I’m exactly like my dad. Makin’ someone who don’t know better take the fall while I sit pretty. That’s who I am. A piece of shit.”

Where Finn’s eyes were cold, Sean’s entire body was on fire. He looked at him, no hesitation. “I’m in love with you, Finn.” He took in a sharp breath of air. They both trembled. “I didn’t fall in love with you because of the lies, dude. It’s because we have a connection. I love the way you describe all the people you’ve met. I love how observant you are. I love that you have so many thoughts, but can be easy going anyway. Y-you know how bad I wish I could be like that? I love the way you treat Daniel. I mean, fuck, -”

Finn responded by lunging forward and suddenly their lips met. His lips were soft, surrounded by stubble that scratched Sean’s face and made him moan. He realized that this was his first kiss - and it was with Finn. The thought sent a rush down his body, and he leaned forward. Their chests collided and legs bent towards each other. Sean’s heart beat so hard he swore it would knock Finn backwards, but they stayed entwined, feeling each other’s body heat and skin and muscle. 

Sean allowed his hands to explore the other boy, embarrassed but too exhilarated to stop. He had felt Finn before, slept in his lap, but this was different. His fingers traced tattoos over tight muscle - time at the camp had left Finn’s body evenly toned, whereas Sean’s running regiment created a sculpted lower body with a wiry upper half. He wanted to see what Finn looked like. All of him.

Sean stopped kissing him for a moment, though he didn’t dare move his face away. “I need you.”

Finn chuckled, a pleasant feeling against Sean’s face. “Darlin’, I’m yours.”

That was all Sean needed to hear. He sat on Finn’s lap, removing first his vest, then his shirt, before letting Finn do the same to him. It sent shivers down Sean’s spine, feeling Finn’s cool fingers up and down his exposed body. He flipped Finn around, so that Sean was against the floor and he could freely paw at Finn’s back, trying to touch every inch of skin. Finn let out a sultry growl in his ear. It drove Sean wild.

The boys got more and more aggressive, sweat dripping, mouths biting and sucking. Sean was drunk on Finn. He grabbed at his ass, loving the way it was firm yet so soft at the same time. Finn pulled back a moment, though he didn’t adjust Sean’s hands.

“You sure you want this?” 

Sean didn’t say anything. Instead he _showed_ him how much he wanted it. A thousand different ways, full of praise and lust and desire. It left them panting, covered in evidence of their release. Sean got one last honeyed kiss and lay back. Deeply sated, he fell asleep to the pleasant sensation of Finn stroking his hair and wiping him clean. 

\---

Lyla took a lazy drag of the cigarette and watched the cars pass. Sean watched her watching the cars, trying to get the mental image _just_ right. He was transfixed getting to draw the smoke billowing out from her mouth. He decided to make it elusive and alluring, like someone else he knew.

“Yeesh. All the smoking is making me look French.” She had taken a glance at his sketchbook without him noticing - if anyone else had done that, he’d have simply closed it and changed the subject, but Lyla had a way of making Sean forget his boundaries. 

“What’s the thing from that movie you love? ‘Draw me like one of your french girls?’ You should be grateful.” Sean added a tasteful beret to the drawing, just for her. It made her giggle.

“Shut up, dude! You know I cried at _Titanic_. No more bringing it up. Besides, I’d rather talk about your love life. Have you found anyone to watch you drown yet?”

Uh oh. “Yeah… about that.”

Lyla turned to him in shock, almost spitting out her cigarette. “Sean. Sean Diaz. _You_ fell for someone? No fucking way. Who?”

“It’s… a guy, Lyla. I’m in love with a guy named Finn.” Even his name sent Sean into a spiral of emotions. He felt light, fragile.

“Finn!!! Would I like him? Is he boring? Artsy, like you?” She bumped his sketchbook. “We can talk about the sexuality thing later if you want. Thanks for telling me, really. But I’m more interested in this mystery suitor of yours!”

God, he should have known Lyla would give way more of a shit about there being _someone_ than the fact that the someone was a boy. Sean almost wished she did care more about his bisexuality… that conversation probably would have been much less painful than talking about Finn.

“He’s… you know when you’re having a terrible day, and someone doesn’t ask about it, they just pull you into a hug? And then they make you laugh, and it doesn’t matter what happened a minute ago, your day is just _made_?”

Her eyes were wide. “Woah, Sean. I’ve never heard you talk like that.” She tilted her head in concern.

“Yeah, well… I learned recently that I have to make my conversations more meaningful. While they’re still around.”

“That’s wise.” Lyla calling _him_ wise. Now Sean knew this wasn’t real. “That time you called me, Sean… it meant the world to me. I know you know this, but… it hurts so badly when someone you love runs away.”

“Yeah. I do.”

They sat in silence, looking up at the sky. Sometime during their conversation, it had gone from late afternoon to the nighttime, just before the sunrise. The stars were bright, but fading. Sean loved how he could just exist with Lyla. It made him miss her so fucking badly. He squeezed her hand.

“I love you, dude. Forever.”

“I know, Sean. I love you too.”

Sean felt like his heart was being ripped in two. “I’m so sorry I had to leave. I think about you all the time. I think about how everyone I’ve ever truly loved has left, or I’ve left them.”

“You mean me too, don’t you? And Finn.” Sean could only nod, throat tight. “Sean. I know you’re far away right now. But you are my Best. Freakin. Fighter. Now’s not my turn to be there for you, but say the word and we’ll be back here on this porch, or wherever the fuck you need me, because you are my best friend. And I’m not going anywhere.”

She grabbed him and held him tight. Sean could only hold her right back, confused as to how he got the best friend in the universe.

“And Sean… the way you reached out to me? That call, the fact that you put yourself at risk to show me that you were thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you… I think Finn needs that from you right now.”

She was disappearing now, along with the rest of Seattle. He was falling backwards. He struggled to keep it together, to get a few moments more with his best friend. “Goodbye, Lyla. Thanks.”

Her voice sounded far away, but reached him all the same. “Goodbye? Don’t be an idiot. We’ll hang out soon. That’s a promise.”

\---

Sean awoke, body still full of fresh warmth but cringing against the cool air. He wasn’t in Seattle, but he wasn’t in his tent, either. He was in Finn’s. He blushed as he looked around for his clothes in darkness. What he and Finn did was still with him, in marks and sore spots on his neck, and bright inside him, making him feel looser than before.

The tent was empty - not only of its owner but most of its contents. But he already knew Finn was missing. If he hadn’t have been so fucked up on painkillers and sex, he would have put things together sooner. It made Sean shiver, seeing how little Finn thought of himself. It wasn’t narcissistic or ego-centric, the way some people have inferiority complexes making them obsess over themselves. No, Sean thought. Finn just saw himself as nothing. It was fucking stupid. And Sean was going to fix it, however long it took.

The moon was high over the camp, and its light filtered through the redwoods to cast an ethereal glow amongst animated shadows. Daniel’s words echoed in his head - Finn had rented a car. Sean set off towards the road connecting the camp to civilization. He was much more focused now than he was before, and it occurred to him that Finn might have lied about how he acquired the car. _God_ , he had really fucked it up. Finn had needed him and Sean had been selfish, had opted for sex and confessing his own feelings rather than actually helping. He wasn’t surprised, though. Sean was _terrible_ at taking care of others. Daniel hated him, he had failed Dad, and Lyla… no. Lyla wouldn’t have wanted him to think like this. He tried his best to let the self-hatred wash over him and disappear, and he trudged forward into the darkness, towards the dim light he saw in the distance. 

\---

He found Finn looking at a book. It almost made him smile; finding him in this position was just _too_ typical. “Hey, dude.”

His head snapped up, looking like a deer in the headlights before Sean. He got a small thrill in his stomach. “H-hey, sweetie.”

Sean just stared at him, waiting for him to talk more. Finn always continued if you were just silent for a moment.

“I-uh. I’m sorry, if that makes it... if that makes it better, I suppose.”

He could laugh. People in his life, leaving, as if each time it didn’t tear his heart in two, make him doubt if he was even capable of love afterwards. “Please, Finn. I know what this is about. I’m -” _God,_ he was tearing up already, what _was_ it about this boy - “I’m so, so sorry, Finn.”

He just stared back at him. “About what, sweetheart?” For a devastating moment, it looked like he might have been about to reach out, wipe the tears off his face.

“I failed you. I let you down, again. It’s not your fault… it’s - it’s what I do. You ever wondered why I don’t have a life in Seattle, or any friends, or why Daniel hates me? Why my mom left? And you… you were so good. And you opened up to me and I ignored you. Put my feelings first. I am so sorry. Please don’t leave. Please.” His throat was tight and his face was hot. 

Finn just… laughed at him. Genuinely laughed, at Sean, who was standing there about to crumble into dust. It was an absolutely baffling sound. “Sean fucking Diaz. You… how the fuck are ya so amazin’ but so devastatin’ly… clueless? You really have no idea how everyone who knows you sees you. Just cause you trip over your fuckin’ words, and you’ve had some shitty fuckin’ things happen in your life it makes you _broken_ or somethin’? You are the most whole, most _full_ person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met a lot of people, believe me, sweetheart. You see the best in people, you see the best in me -”

Sean wanted to punch that wan smile off his face. “How could anyone not see _you_ , Finn? Seriously!”

His expression turned somber, intense. “You need to understand. My dad, my family. I was raised to take, not give. Stealin’ cars, stealin’ wallets, whatever you needed to. My dad making me take the fall for him? That wasn’ a betrayal, just… how we worked.” He sighed, and he suddenly sounded much older than he was. 

“When I got out, I promised myself I wasn’t gonna do what he did. I ran away, fucked off here. Can’t steal from society when you’re not in it. But then… you happened. Sean, you remind me of everythin’ good my family took from me. Of everything I can take from others.” His eyes shimmered.

Fuck it. Sean walked forward, took his hand.

“But… you helped me. You rented a fucking car to save my dumb ass. You could have stolen one and you didn’t.”

“What makes you think I didn’t?” 

“I know you, Finn. I trust you.”

Finn looked at him in wonder. “Sean, I… I’m no good. You are just too goddamn good for someone like me. I know you see only the best in people, but you have to know I need to get away from you before… somethin’ like that happens again.” Before I hurt you like that again.” Finn stroked his face, cool fingers over bandages. “I didn’t steal the car. I rented it to run the fuck away. I’m no better than your mom.” 

A part of Sean understood. Saw that Finn was dealing with his own shit that he needed to sort out, wanted to let him be free.

 _Fuck_ that part of Sean. In that moment he looked at Finn and stopped seeing everyone who had ever left him. Instead… he just saw Finn.

“You’re so scared you’re like my mom or your dad that you’re doing exactly what they would do.” His voice was calm. He rubbed Finn’s hand. “Stay. Or come with me. Just let me take care of you.” 

For a moment Finn seemed to choke on his words. He seemed to stop in place, brain running on overdrive. He looked down, and Sean gently grasped his chin and met his eyes. Finn’s eyes blazed - tears were flowing freely. “I’m sorry, baby. Was real close there to makin’ a big mistake, wasn’ I?” He wrapped Sean in a tight hug, and for once, there was nothing held back. “I’m takin’ care of you, alright? Time for me to stop taking and start givin'. You take care of people so fuckin’ well, and way too many people have let you down. I’m so sorry I almost let myself be one of ‘em."

Finn let go of him, slid down the car, sat down with a slump. "I still don’t know who the hell you think I am, but I’ll try to be him. I promise.”

Sean sat down next to him. “We can figure it out together.”

“This whole time, were we just two assholes, completely blinded by our own shit?” 

“Pretty much.” Finn let out choked laughter and pressed his head to Sean’s chest.

Sean held him, rubbing his back as the tears fell and fell. There they sat, two boys in a forest crested by moonlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, this was tough to write. Sean and Finn both love others so deeply and easily, but have these walls inside of them that makes them question how anyone could ever love them in return. Sean tries so hard to take care of others, but the way he doesn't let others take care of him actually drives his loved ones away from him, the way it does if you don't call Lyla (even though doing so might have been safer for her). Finn, on the other hand, fears he can't take care of others. The way Sean leans on him and trusts him scares the shit out of him, and is enough to make him run. It's only when the boys can actually talk to each other that all this darkness inside them can be brought out into the light.
> 
> You may have noticed Sean's thoughts are a little erratic this chapter - he cries a lot, for one. He also seems to think some really odd things, like that he let his dad down or that he doesn't have any family left. That's because this is Sean's absolute breaking point. At this point in the story, he really, really can't handle another Karen; another person he loves leaving him, like he thought Finn was trying to do in their conversation before the fight. For a traumatized 16 year old, this sends him into a huge tailspin it makes him say, do, and feel some crazy shit. Luckily for him, Finn's there to carry him through it.
> 
> And so was Lyla, albeit in a dream. I loved being able to write her - in my opinion, Sean knows Lyla to the extent that he can invent and talk to a version of her in his head that is pretty much the same as the real one. Or who knows - maybe Sean's ability to capture moments in time in his art is actually his own power? ;)
> 
> This concludes the main story arc of the fic. Special thanks to the Wolf's Den discord for inspiring me to write and giving me some Lyla writing tips. And thank you so so so much for following along this far! Soon to come will be a sequel covering the near future, as this timeline ends up very differently than originally. Please stay tuned!


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